Weeks 1509 and 1510

I was driving home today thinking about everything that I need to get done and had what felt like an epiphany but now feels like a thought I have had hundreds of times at this point. 

I was thinking about what I want to be and what I want to do when I grow up and that picture is continually unclear to me. I can’t precisely say, “this is what I want to do.” Probably stemming from my desire to try a lot in this lifetime, but it makes decision making challenging more often than I have found it to be helpful. Regardless, I know that I want to help others. 

Each time I have helped someone, it has felt good to me and I love knowing - or maybe feeling - as though I have made a difference. 

Yet, I often find myself getting in my way. Telling myself that I need to learn more before taking action. While this might be my inner procrastinator trying to let the pressure build, it could also be a fear of inadequacy. A fear of doing a bad job getting in the way of doing any job. 

That’s not to say I don’t take action, just to say that I constantly feel like I could be doing more and while driving home today it clicked (maybe again) that I keep trying to educate myself instead of doing the thing. 

Instead of trying and letting the roadblocks pop up, I like to put the roadblock up so I can feel more adequate and prepared and stave off the potential criticism of doing a job poorly on the first attempt.

That’s like expecting yourself to know how to throw a football before ever trying it. Analyzing the football, the material it’s made out of, how it was laced, the physics behind throwing a ball, analyzing all of the possible routes that the receiver could run and the calculations behind it, analyzing how that could all be impacted by a defense… All of this instead of grabbing a football and throwing it.

Sure, everything is easier with a coach but coaching doesn’t have to predicate your taking action. 

And most of what I have been doing isn’t even me receiving coaching. It’s me, reluctant to put anything out there due to my desire not to be criticized by others when that exact criticism can be what helps you to refine. 

Let’s be honest, some of it is useless but if you can filter through it, you can find some gems. 

That came after a different realization this past weekend that I need structure to succeed. I am working on refining self-imposed structure but I’ve always done well in environments where the structure is imposed by others. I candidly love external accountability. 

I realized this as I was assessing where I was at in my cut and realizing that I had stagnated for the last two weeks when my first cut was a breeze because I knew exactly what I had to eat every day. 

I can extrapolate that out to my life but that’s where self-imposed accountability becomes a skill that I need to refine. I believe the kids call that… discipline? 

In addition to those learnings, I had… Another? I have joked with my coworkers that I don’t need to be friends with my neighbors. If your house is on fire, I’d help you and your family but I don’t want to have to talk to you for 30 minutes every time I leave or come home. 

But the other day, the neighbor’s kids wanted to pet our Danes and we talked for 30 minutes. It reminded me how much I love people despite trying to avoid them all the time in my personal life for my convenience. 

A few nights later, their mom rang my doorbell and asked if I like Indian food. I, as a man of culture, said I love Indian food and she quickly invited me over to give me food. 

This has been a secret dream of mine (that I confessed as soon as I returned home to my wife) as my neighborhood is a melting pot of cultures and I know there are bound to be much better cooks than me around. 

They were so kind and welcoming, it filled me with this sense of gratitude. Not just for the food but for them being so kind as to come over at 8:30 PM (when I am very much winding down for the night so I can get up in the morning) to offer some to me; but for them opening my eyes to how important it is to remember that humans are social creatures and a sense of community and belonging is important. 

Their generosity made me want to reciprocate and make them food, although, I’m sure they don’t want my very boring diet right now haha. 

It reminded me how much of a people person I am and how I need to monitor how little I go out of my way to engage with others when engaging with others fills my cup. 

It’s also not lost on me that the whole reason that I am learning Japanese is to be able to engage with other people so I shouldn’t need to be reminded of how important it is to me. 

Yet, here we are! 

I have been increasingly consistent with Japanese practice although I am anticipating that this week is going to put me to the test. It’s just me and all of the animals this week and I have a very busy week at work. 

That means I’m going to have a lot of reasons to not want to fully study and I am going to need to anyway. I really want to comprehend more Japanese (N3 level in December) and it’s going to take a lot of effort to get there. 

Potential foreshadowing but if the next month goes well… I could have a lot of reasons to not follow through. 

Reasons that I’m not going to let get in the way if they come to fruition but my awareness of them is important so I’m not caught off guard. 

PS - don’t get in so much of a hurry backing into your garage when an Amazon driver pulls up that you almost break off your rear-view mirror. It’s not a fun time.

PSS - If you lose a lot of weight after getting a work wardrobe custom made for yourself, tailoring that clothing again is… not cheap. But hey, you lost weight - woot woot!